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Liah was my brothers ex-girlfriend, but she was my friend too. We used to hangout all the time, even when my brother wasn't around. After they broke up I feel like we got even closer. We talked all the time on msn about everything.
The day before her funeral I got a message saying we couldn't go to the funeral. I didn't understand why and it tore me apart even more.
My mom told my brother and he got really depressed and did some really stupid things. We almost lost him.
I don't know why I decided to write this. I guess I'm just hopeing someone will understand.
So I'm back after a long break from litrally everything. I've just recently gotten out of a really emotionally exhausting relationship and I'm so off track with everything. I feel like I've really lost myself and some days are so hard to get through just because so many things remind me over him and even though it was a bad relationship he was the first boyfriend I really connected with.
So here I am starting all over and basically finding a new identity because I have changed so much over the past few months. I have a job at a spa now and it's really helped me get through things. I got the offer the day after we broke up and it pretty much saved me from getting really depressed. I go to work and I feel so good becaus
I love the people and the atmosphere and just everything about it.
I'm also trying to get my body back on track and I may start looking into different religions. I need something to believe in and help me get by. My friends are there for me, but they also cause a lot of my pain right now. They don't know it of course, but they ALL have boyfriends and they talk about them constantly and it just hurts to hear it. Even though I want them to be happy I get so sad thinking that I used to feel that way, but now he's gone and idk I just feel so incredibly alone sometimes.
- Mood:
lonely
Favourite Book: Crank
Favourite Movie: Pretty Woman
Favourite CD: I'm not good at remembering exact cd names, but it's from Kanye West-his first cd
- Location:school :(
- Mood:
bored
I've been partying and eating A LOT! I haven't really gained weight though which is a miracle! It's kinda weird because right now I don't even care if I diet or I don't. I WANT to diet, but it's like I don't have the energy. Idk how to explain it. It 's not like it HARD to diet, you just don't eat lol. SIMPLE.
I need to get out of this mood and FAST because now I actually have a reason to want to diet. It's not just because I WANT to. It's because I NEED to look good by the end of November. But I still couldn't give a fuck. In the back of my mind I scream everytime I eat or even THINK about eating, but it's only a small voice, not like it used to be. It used to be so loud I would get headaches and be in pain from the screams.
Thinspo isn't working and I can't seem to convince myself, so idk what to do.
If anyone reads this and has some advice please help me. Idk what's wrong with me.
- Mood:
confused - Music:french piano music
I wish I could just die right now. I'm not happy unless I'm skinny and even when I'm skinny I'm not skinny ENOUGH, so I'm always unhappy.
- Mood: depressed
- Location:wouldn't you like to know
- Mood:
creative
- Mood:
hungry
- Mood:
crappy
- Mood:
full - Music:Sum 41-the hell song
Food: 1/2 ( I haven't calculated it yet, but I'm sure I went over a bit)
Water: 2/2
Exercise: 2/2 ( walked around mall for 2 hours)
Post: 2/2
Challenge: 2/2 (I bought a different shade of eyeshadow then I normally would have)
Total: 9/10
Grand Total: 35/40
I'm suprised at how easy it is for me to not eat all day. The only reason I go over my limit is becasue my mom makes dinner and I have no choice, but to eat it no matter what.
- Mood:
cheerful
Other then that not too much has happened. I went to the bank to open an account today and I met this really cute bank teller. I think he may have liked me too! The great news is that I get to see him once a week when I go put my money in the bank :) Depending on what happens I may ask him out for coffee of something.
I dyed my hair pink the other day as you can see in my display picture. I think it was temperary dye though. It didn't say on the box whether it was permanant or temporary so I just asumed it was permanent. I hope it is and the the dye that's coming out is just the left over extra stuff becasue my mom paid $30 for it and she'd be really upset if it was temporary!
Anyways that's pretty much it for me.
- Mood:
determined
Today I feel a lot better. I did pretty good restricting my diet. I could have cut out a few things, but It's a lot better than before I started restricting. I exercised on my bike and did crunches and leg lifts too. I'm happy about that. Starting on the 15( when my mom leaves for 3 weeks) I'm going to restricting more and exercise twice a day. For now I have to eat though becasue my mom already nags me to eat and I don't need her bitching at me and stressing me out. I did pretty good restricting yesterday too. I did a lot of walking which made me really happy. When mom leaves I'll be walking 20 minutes to my volunteering and 20 minutes back every tuesday and thursday, so that wil help me a lot. I' ve been thinking about waking up early and biking, but that would mean I have to wake up at 4:30. I'm not sure if I can do that and still function properly throughout the day lol. I'm more of a night person then a morning person. I get to go back to sleep for a bit when I get to the house of the girl I babysit, but I never know if she's going to sleep in or not. If she's up when I get there then I won't get any extra sleep. The extra half an hour exercise well help, but it may affect my job and I don't want that. Oh well I guess I'll have to think about it.
- Mood:
contemplative
I feel like crap today. I didn't want to go to work today and I don't want to go tomorrow. Today went okay considering how bad I thought it would go. But when I got home everything and everyone was sooo annoying. My mom pissed me off sooo bad today. Not becasue of anything in particular she's just being really annoying.
I've felt so out of my element lately. So messed up and like there's a million things going on in my head all at once. I hate it. Hopefully I'll feel better in a few days. When I get this way I don't feel like doing anything and that's not good becasue i have work and voluntering to do.
Whatever I guess I'll get over it and next journal I'll right something good and happy :)
- Mood: crappy
- Music:still waiting by Sum 41
