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new beginnings?

  • May. 4th, 2008 at 9:47 PM

 I'm back. I've been through a lot lately. A friend of mine died recently and it turned my whole world upside down. The day that I found out I was friend amanda how bored of life I was and then I got home from school and found out that Liah had died. I know my saying I was bored with life had nothing to do with her death, but I still feel guity about saying it. I was so depressed after I found out, but know one seemed to understand why. They were all just going on about life as usual. I told my mom at one point that I was crying a lot and she said "why, it's over" I couldn't believe she said that. Her life being over is what got my depressed! 

Liah was my brothers ex-girlfriend, but she was my friend too. We used to hangout all the time, even when my brother wasn't around. After they broke up I feel like we got even closer. We talked all the time on msn about everything.

The day before her funeral I got a message saying we couldn't go to the funeral. I didn't understand why and it tore me apart even more. 

My mom told my brother and he got really depressed and did some really stupid things. We almost lost him.

I don't know why I decided to write this. I guess I'm just hopeing someone will understand.

I'm back

  • Mar. 2nd, 2008 at 8:46 PM

So I'm back after a long break from litrally everything. I've just recently gotten out of a really emotionally exhausting relationship and I'm so off track with everything. I feel like I've really lost myself and some days are so hard to get through just because so many things remind me over him and even though it was a bad relationship he was the first boyfriend I really connected with. 

So here I am starting all over and basically finding a new identity because I have changed so much over the past few months. I have a job at a spa now and it's really helped me get through things. I got the offer the day after we broke up and it pretty much saved me from getting really depressed. I go to work and I feel so good becaus 
I love the people and the atmosphere and just everything about it. 

I'm also trying to get my body back on track and I may start looking into different religions. I need something to believe in and help me get by. My friends are there for me, but they also cause a lot of my pain right now. They don't know it of course, but they ALL have boyfriends and they talk about them constantly and it just hurts to hear it. Even though I want them to be happy I get so sad thinking that I used to feel that way, but now he's gone and idk I just feel so incredibly alone sometimes.

  • Mood: lonely

Writer's Block: Current Favorites

  • Nov. 9th, 2007 at 1:41 PM

Tell us your current favorite: book, movie, CD, video game.


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At this very moment my favourites are:
 Favourite Book: Crank
Favourite Movie: Pretty Woman
Favourite CD: I'm not good at remembering exact cd names, but it's from Kanye West-his first cd

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I feel like I should update

  • Oct. 27th, 2007 at 12:18 PM

 So i haven't posted in about three weeks and I feel like I should. 
I've been partying and eating A LOT! I haven't really gained weight though which is a miracle! It's kinda weird because right now I don't even care if I diet or I don't. I WANT to diet, but it's like I don't have the energy. Idk how to explain it. It 's not like it HARD to diet, you just don't eat lol. SIMPLE. 

I need to get out of this mood and FAST because now I actually have a reason to want to diet. It's not just because I WANT to. It's because I NEED to look good by the end of November. But I still couldn't give a fuck. In the back of my mind I scream everytime I eat or even THINK about eating, but it's only a small voice, not like it used to be. It used to be so loud I would get headaches and be in pain from the screams.

Thinspo isn't working and I can't seem to convince myself, so idk what to do.

If anyone reads this and has some advice please help me. Idk what's wrong with me.
  • Mood: confused
  • Music:french piano music

Depressed

  • Oct. 5th, 2007 at 11:04 PM

I'm so depressed right now. I'm such a cow , it's not even funny. I haven't weighed this much since grade 8. Idk what to do. I don't know how I got this fat. Well I do, but I don't know how I LET myself go this much. My friends that are my hieght are 15-20 pounds lighter then me. I need to find a way to make myself throw up and I need to buy laxatives. Idk how I'm going to though. I can't do anything this weekend unless my mom leaves me alone in the mall for a while, then I can hide the laxatives in my purse after I buy them. I'm not sure how much they cost though.I can find time to throw up, but I usually can't get my self to throw my food up. I run out of air and then I have to stop. This weekend is going to be horrible too. It's thankdgiving weekend so that means LOTS of food and junkfood. I don't know If I should eat three meals a day or not eat or what? Sometimes I wish I was living on my own so I could just get rid of all the food in the house and not eat, but I eat even when I don't have to and MORE then I have to.Maybe I'll eat three meals a day, but only little meals. I probably will have to stay away from pie though. I can't eat only a little junkfood becasue then I'll crave it and binge.

I wish I could just die right now. I'm not happy unless I'm skinny and even when I'm skinny I'm not skinny ENOUGH, so I'm always unhappy.
  • Mood: depressed

Writer's Block: Two Tickets to Paradise

  • Oct. 1st, 2007 at 9:16 PM

If you won two free round-trip plane tickets anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you bring?


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 If I won two free round-trip tickets anywhere in the world I would go to Europe. I know that's a popular answer, but it's the truth. I hope to live there some day and exploring it would be wonderful in helping me make my final decision. I would take no one with me.

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Writer's Block: Know Thyself

  • Sep. 25th, 2007 at 3:43 PM

What is your favorite thing about yourself? Least favorite thing?


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My favourite thing about myself is my ability to get along with a lot of differebt kinda of people. My least favourite thing about myself is my appearance.
  • Mood: hungry

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Writer's Block: (like juggling chainsaws)

  • Sep. 18th, 2007 at 8:03 PM

What is one crazy thing you would like to learn to do?


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 If I could learn one crazy thing to do it would be how to move like the circ du soleil people or how to read minds and possibly control them.

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Writer's Block: Time Travel

  • Sep. 16th, 2007 at 7:51 PM

If you could travel back in time to spend a day with someone, who would it be and why?


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 If I could travel back in time and spend a day with someone I would spend the day with Elizabeth Bathory, just to see what she was like. But there's sooo many other's like John Lennon, kurt cobain, Bob Marley and the list goes on and on.
  • Mood: crappy

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Writer's Block: The Nose Knows

  • Sep. 16th, 2007 at 7:43 PM

What is your favorite smell? What does it remind you of?


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My favourite smell is fresh laundry and cologne. It reminds me of my brother. It may sound wierd, but I didn't really get to see my brother a lot when I was younger,so idk that smell always makes me happy and relaxed. I mean he was around, we just weren't close. There's 8 years between us, so I was still pretty young when he was going through his teenaged angst part of his life :P He used to always be really mad, like constantly, but for some reason his scent made me happy. Idk I guess I'm just weird like that.
  • Mood: full
  • Music:Sum 41-the hell song

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Day 4

  • Aug. 31st, 2007 at 10:28 PM

4/?/ 40

Food: 1/2 ( I haven't calculated it yet, but I'm sure I went over a bit)
Water: 2/2
Exercise: 2/2 ( walked around mall for 2 hours)
Post: 2/2
Challenge: 2/2 (I bought a different shade of eyeshadow then I normally would have)

Total: 9/10
Grand Total: 35/40

I'm suprised at how easy it is for me to not eat all day. The only reason I go over my limit is becasue my mom makes dinner and I have no choice, but to eat it no matter what.
  • Mood: cheerful

Update

  • Jul. 9th, 2007 at 9:08 PM

So I'm not doing the best with my diet. I'm not doing horribly, but I'm not doing as good as I  could be. I'm really good with my water intake and exercising, but I need to improve my restricting. Today I did really bad. Mom and I went out for lunch and I had breaded mushrooms which were AMAZING, but really bad for my diet plan. Tomorrow I want to get ten out of ten. It should be a bit easier becasue it's back to the weekday, but I'm not so sure about my dialy challenge. I have like zero extra minutes in the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll try to find a way though.

Other then that not too much has happened. I went to the bank to open an account today and I met this really cute bank teller. I think he may have liked me too! The great news is that I get to see him once a week when I go put my money in the bank :) Depending on what happens I may ask him out for coffee of something. 

I dyed my hair pink the other day as you can see in my display picture. I think it was temperary dye though. It didn't say on the box whether it was permanant or temporary so I just asumed it was permanent. I hope it is and the the dye that's coming out is just the left over extra stuff becasue my mom paid $30 for it and she'd be really upset if it was temporary! 

Anyways that's pretty much it for me.
  • Mood: determined

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better

  • Jul. 7th, 2007 at 8:38 PM

Today I feel a lot better. I did pretty good restricting my diet. I could have cut out a few things, but It's a lot better than before I started restricting. I exercised on my bike and did crunches and leg lifts too. I'm happy about that. Starting on the 15( when my mom leaves for 3 weeks) I'm going to restricting more and exercise twice a day. For now I have to eat though becasue my mom already nags me to eat and I don't need her bitching at me and stressing me out. I did pretty good restricting yesterday too. I did a lot of walking which made me really happy. When mom leaves I'll be walking  20 minutes to my volunteering and 20 minutes back every tuesday and thursday, so that wil help me a lot. I' ve been thinking about waking up early and biking, but that would mean I have to wake up at 4:30. I'm not sure if I can do that and still function properly throughout the day lol. I'm more of a night person then a morning person. I get to go back to sleep for a bit when I get to the house of the girl I babysit, but I never know if she's going to sleep in or not. If she's up when I get there then I won't get any extra sleep. The extra half an hour exercise well help, but it may affect my job and I don't want that. Oh well I guess I'll have to think about it.

  • Mood: contemplative

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Blaaah

  • Jul. 4th, 2007 at 8:16 PM

So this isn't the best way to start off a journal, but that's okay. 

I feel like crap today.  I didn't want to go to work today and I don't want to go tomorrow. Today went okay considering how bad I thought it would go. But when I got home everything and everyone was sooo annoying. My mom pissed me off sooo bad today. Not becasue of anything in particular she's just being really annoying. 

I've felt so out of my element lately. So messed up and like there's a million things going on in my head all at once. I hate it. Hopefully I'll feel better in a few days. When I get this way I don't feel like doing anything and that's not good becasue i have work and voluntering to do. 

Whatever I guess I'll get over it and next journal I'll right something good and happy :)
  • Mood: crappy
  • Music:still waiting by Sum 41